


My love won't sleep

by mendbrokenhearts



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, but there's angst so you're all welcome here, im so bad at tagging
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-08
Updated: 2018-06-08
Packaged: 2019-05-19 17:26:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14878136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mendbrokenhearts/pseuds/mendbrokenhearts
Summary: The past few months seemed to disappear, and all the bitter moments of those bad times I’d just been through washed away with the soft lullaby the waves sang along as the daisy sun finally showed up in the porcelain sky. Since that day I’ve been obsessed with sunrises. And every morning around 6a.m ,after my sleepless nights, I climb to the rooftop and sit on the edge.ORSimon and his recovery process.





	My love won't sleep

**Author's Note:**

> this is something i wrote 2, 3 years ago?? with the announcement of wayward son, i decided to start writing a few things again, and it started by re-editing this!! this was initially a one-shot but i could make this a bit longer if anyone requests or if you like what i wrote!! kudos and comments make my day!!!

**SIMON**

“Close your eyes.”

“I can’t.”

“Just. Just close them.”

“I- I swear I’m-”

“ C’mon baby” he gently mutters.

It’s silent for a while.

“I’m just scared of falling back into my nightmares.”

It comes out as a weak whisper.

But he was already fast asleep as I whimpered those words into his ears.

____________________

_“Put out these fires in my head babe. Cause I’m wide awake. Why am I awake?”_

I feel a light shuffling next to me and tired yawn. I try my best not to move an inch. I don’t want him to know I haven’t been sleeping. I don’t want to bother him. He doesn’t need this. He would care. A lot.

Too much. That's not necessary, I don't want to see him hurting because of me.

He’s probably going to feed and head to university right after that. I can hear him dressing up as quietly as he can, probably to not wake me up. The shuffling stops for a while. He makes his way towards the bed and I stop breathing right at that instant. He kisses the top of my head before going out and closing the door.

After a few seconds, my breath comes in a wheeze. I fucking love him. And I'm ruining everything. 

 _____________________

 

_“The city sits below and we take, shots at the moon I wanna give it to you”_

 

On my 19th birthday, I saw the sun rise over the ocean for the first time.

It wasn’t as movies or books told me it was like.

Not at all.

It was on the first days of June and the cold wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be at six a.m when I arrived to the beach. I took off my shoes and walked straight to the sea, or the sky; at that moment, when the colors melted so perfectly, no one could see the horizon line defined. It started very subtle, as it was afraid to rise. Bit by bit, it covered the pearl morning haze with a pale, pure white light.

The past few months seemed to disappear, and all the bitter moments of those bad times I’d just been through washed away with the soft lullaby the waves sang along as the daisy sun finally showed up in the porcelain sky. Since that day I’ve been obsessed with sunrises. And every morning around 6a.m ,after my sleepless nights, I climb to the rooftop and sit on the edge.

Today’s no exception. The black sky gradually turned into dim grey and the illumination of stars got languidly lusterless in front of my eyes. Millions of stars in the ebony sky started hiding their brightness and got slowly dissipate. Divergent birds were gently flying in manifest sky and their dulcet dawn chorus was easily audible.

The first orange hued rays appeared on the skyline, which went through the clouds and the prodigious sky was easily visible. The sun came out of its abode across the brilliant orange horizon and glimmered in the sky. The sparkling sun started slowly rising up the scarlet skyline, which clearly differentiated the sky and the land.

Now the warm breeze can be felt and the plants made a beatific smile towards the sun.

_____________________

_“Tell me is it so bad cause it hurts like that when I think about it We’re both cynics now and it kills me but I’d die for you anyway”_

 

Baz isn’t here tonight.

He told me he had to meet up with Fiona. I haven’t seen her in a while. I don’t think she hates me as much as before. At least I hope so. We’ve hung out once or twice. Surprisingly.

Eleven o'clock morphs into twelve and then one. The time trickles by, marked only by those changing glowing numerals. My mind is blank; where there should be dreams is a heavy blackness. My eyes are as stationary as the silhouette of my bedside lamp, which is where they rest. My mind flickers to the bedside table and the sleeping pills the doctor prescribed. I don’t want them, I don’t want chemicals.

I tried to go to the doctor. I mustered up all of my courage, set my pride and hurt aside, left my comfort zone and went to a psychologist on my own. I really wanted to fix all of this. Without being a burden though. Without troubling anyone.

I’d do anything to save Baz from the trouble of convincing me into going to therapy and to see the doctor about my insomnia. Clearly though, I just can’t seem to do this. Nothing's working.

I close my eyes and they almost sting. They've been open for too long I guess. I recall an old tale Penelope told me about and let it mull around my head. Perhaps this old story can pull my thoughts into the randomness that is a prelude to sleep and dreams.

_“Sasha is in the snow, the bitter wind whips at her as she trudges to the lodge-”_

 

It doesn’t work.

 

_____________________________

 

_“Are you so scared when it hurts right there’s no way around it In too deep now and we’ll never be the same.”_

 

I tried to sleep today. I really did. And I even managed to end up sleeping for an hour or so. But the nightmares came back for me and they didn’t leave either. Riddle me this. How can I call it a nightmare, if it doesn’t leave my presence when I awake?

Baz’s spot is empty beside me. My heavy wheezing is the only thing audible in the room. I cradle up to a corner of the room, salty fluid dripping over my small, cracked lips. My knees buckled as the marble tiles collided with my knees. Crying is how I understand myself best. When I cry I know who I really am. I cry when others hurt as well as myself. I cry at the brutal world news and stupid soft movies. It’s my strength and my weakness. Strong because it brings understanding and weak because who wants the listener to weep when they are looking for a strong shoulder?

I wish I could turn my tears off, I do. Or perhaps just save it until I’m alone, but I’m not wired like that. My emotions swirl like ocean currents, deep and strong. Sometimes I’m scared to dive in incase I don’t make it out again, but I can’t be anyone else, I don’t suppose any of us can.

I head towards the bathroom, to clean my face, before Baz comes back. He can’t see me like this.

_________________________________

 

_“Wearing my heart beneath those rolled up sleeves. Where my eyes can’t see, tell me what my dreams could mean”_

 

There were times I felt like the world was slowly disappearing in front of me. Or maybe it was just me who was fading away.

In those moments, it didn’t matter anyway. Because my empty burning lungs and my heart hitting my chest so hard I thought it will break my ribs and rip apart my skin were the only thing I could think about. And the void. The black hole in my head, deep inside my soul, slowly swallowing all my hopes and dreams. That was the worst of those moments. The realization of the vacuum, the nothingness, the absurd of my existence. Those times kept me awake all night and made me wonder: why am I living for anyway? Maybe for me. Maybe for him. For the others?

Did it really matter?

And when I couldn’t find my answers on the ceiling, the anxiety turned into panic. Now red, tear-rimmed eyes stared back at me, with watery streaks falling down my freckled face. I smoothed my now chaotic hair and wiped the tears from my cheeks which were now blotchy and mottled. My whole face was now washed with a dull red, including the very end of my nose.

_____________________

 

**BAZ**

_“When my love won’t sleep, love won’t sleep”_

I’ve been out feeding for almost an hour now. My mind’s somewhere else tonight. I think about Simon. He seems different. The blue in his eyes don’t look the same. The October breeze hits my face and I keep pondering.

University has been keeping me busier than I'd like it to and makes me feel as if I haven't been there for him. Not enough.

It’s October now. Almost a year after everything happened.

Penelope tells me he’s okay some days. And others, he isn’t. That thought alone gets me to shudder.

Within minutes, I make it get back to our flat, wanting Simon in my arms at this moment. I gently open our room’s door, expecting Simon to be sleeping.

To my surprise he’s sat on the floor in a ball, with dozens of pills around him. My heart stops beating for a second before it starts hammering. I think my hands even start shaking.

“Simon?”

Simon turns, but too slowly to be normal. When he speaks his voice trails slowly, like his words are unwilling to take flight. There is a sadness in his eyes and fright, the blue too glossy. As soon as he sees me, all of the emotions he’s been holding crumble down. Two fresh tears start rolling down his rosy cheeks before he lets himself break down. My heart breaks at the same time.

When he cried there was a rawness to it, like the pain was still an open wound. He would clasp onto something for support, anything, a table or the back of a chair, and then his whole body would shake. The sobs were stifled at first as he attempted to hide his grief, then overcome by the wave of his emotions he would break down entirely, all his defences washed away in those salty tears. When he at last turned his face to me he was a picture of grief, loss, devastation. It was the face of one who had suffered before and didn’t know if he could do it again.

Then, just when I thought the breakthrough would come and he would trust me with his vulnerability, the shutters would come down, his emotion walled off behind a mask of coping. He would just wear it until everything was right again, he didn’t know another way.

I rush to his side, take him in my arms. Soothe him. I wrap my arms around his waist, feeling him calm down instantly at my touch. I rub the tears away with my fingers and started rocking back and forth. Soon nothing but the night time noises filled the room. In the darkness our cuddles are feel like a little touch of heaven, warm, together, cozy. I wish I could extend the night just so I could stay close to him for longer, keep him safe in my embrace.

 

**SIMON**

His arms wrapped right around me bring a peace I’ve never known before, a calming of the storms in my heart. In his embrace I start to believe that there is nothing out there to fear, that all there is is sunshine, beautiful trees and kind people - friends to be. His cuddles are the only medicine I need, they are the light in the darkness, a lone star in an otherwise empty sky.

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry Baz. I didn’t want to bother you. I know you have a lot on your mind. I just- I tried to do things on my own. But it was for your sake. I promise. I didn’t want you to find out this way. I wanted you to be proud of me. But all I do is fuck up. I’m so sorry. I don’t deserve you heck I don't deserve any of this. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

I looked up at him. The swirls of emotion I saw there made me gasp. However, before I could ponder about it further, he yanked me to him and covered my mouth with his in a hungry kiss. As our lips crushed together, I felt like i was walking on air. It was magic, the way his lips connected with mine. His mouth was so warm, the caress of his lips softer than I could have imagined and I opened my mouth with a low moan. Then I felt his hands shake behind my back. He broke the kiss and embraced me in a hug once again.

“Shh. Simon. Simon. Listen to me. I love you. You deserve the world. I’m sorry I wasn't there. I love you. That means I would defend you with my life even if the odds were insurmountable. It means I will comfort you in the difficult and painful times. It means I will dance and rejoice with you when times are good. It means I will never betray you, never give up on you. Tell me anything and everything. Trust me with everything. You will never be a bother to me. I’ll do anything for you. Understood? You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me. There is no perfect lover, we are all flawed, but knowing those flaws and still loving with all your heart creates perfect love. I will never look further than you, my love. If my heart is a flower waiting to bloom, your love is the only sunshine it needs. I’m sorry my love won’t sleep. We’ll fix all of this. You and me. Together.”


End file.
